In Other News IV
Louisville, KY - In another Republican candidates presidential debate last night, some surprisingly frank responses have left the electorate wondering where to go from here. The drama began with an innocuous question about possible jail terms for doctors and women who arrange abortions if it was criminalised. Mitt Romney haltingly indicated that a few months in prison for the doctors and prayers offered for the girl would be sufficient.
“With all due respect to my Minnesota brother,” interrupted Michele Bachmann, “I don’t think he understands how seriously America takes this issue. A girl who’s just had an abortion doesn’t care about prayers! She made her choice when she turned her back on Jesus, and she should face the same jail time as the doctor.”
“Jail time?” scoffed Texas Governor Rick Perry, “I’d kill them all. The doctors, the girls, the babies. Everyone.” When onlookers seemed aghast at the baby-killing suggestion, he remained steadfast. “Why is everyone always so eager to let the babies off? The innocent babies? They were involved in an abortion! How innocent can they be? If I’m elected president, my first act will be to sign into a law a provision to plug up the Baby Loophole. In Texas we’ve already installed a tiny electric chair in most state penitentiaries, and I’m pleased to say that over thirty babies have been successfully prosecuted of conspiracy to commit abortions, and have been executed according to state law.”
When it was mentioned that this could be seen as directly in opposition to his stated pro-life position, he answered, “Oh no, we wait for them to be born before prosecuting them, obviously.”
Cork, Ireland - In a week of shocking lack-of-rape news, prominent feminist activist Regina Funt has sensationally revealed that she was never raped, but invented an elaborate backstory so she would be taken seriously by feminist organisations. “I thought no one would talk to me unless I had been raped,” claimed Funt tearfully at the FA press conference last Thursday. After the announcement, the heads of two other major feminist organisations have admitted that they have never been raped, throwing the entire Irish women’s rights movement into turmoil.
In a brief press conference, the prime minister, Mr. Enda Kenny stated, “I hope we as a nation can come together and accept that women who haven’t been raped have as much to offer our society as those who have.” This was immediately dismissed variously as “typical sexist bullshit” and “mansplaining” by several of the organisations in question.
However, the lack of rape isn’t just a national issue; it affects people on a local level, even here in the quiet Irish city of Cork. A section of the inner city renowned for its high incidence of rape proved to be something of a disappointment for local girl Shauna Keating over the past month. “I’ve been walking alone in the dead of night through this area, sometimes three or four times,” she complains, “but no one’s interested.”
Shauna’s been battling with her weight problem since she was 13 years old, when a branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken opened not 500 yards from her home. “At first, I’d run to KFC every day for dinner, but over the course of the next three years, it became more of a lumbering, waddling motion,” moans Keating. “I was told that rape is more about power than sex, but it’s still not very good for my self-esteem. I know a girl from around the corner who was raped and she’s gorgeous. She has a baby now. She hates the baby because it’s a constant reminder, or whatever, but at least she has one!”
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