Showing posts tagged facebook

My latest attempt to get a million notes. Maybe I should add that I have a rare form of cancer and this is my last wish or something. Although that could backfire. Maybe the culturally-savvy tumblr community would judge that if a guy’s last wish is to have an irredeemably pointless post go stellar then he is both terminally ill and extremely shallow.

Anyway, I made this today by loading the first hit on a Google Image search of “facebook like” into Paint, writing “a boss” and “totally” beside it in tiny Lucinda letters and then blowing it up 400% so you can see the edges of the font. I’m having shirts printed as we speak.

                                      Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here

                                      Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here

Are you kidding? My post - whatever it is - is guaranteed to be the most interesting thing on your stupid thread. Bitches will be talking about my post for years afterwards. I will be greeted on the streets of foreign cities by pretty girls speaking enthusiastic broken English: “Hey, you’re the guy that posted that comment on that Facebook thread that time!” And I will pretend to be reluctant about admitted that yes, it was in fact, me, and I will do rails of coke off their tits on the roof of their 1970s-style apartment that night, after banging her and her even hotter cousin who, thankfully, doesn’t speak English at all because she has lots of stupid opinions about the Jewish “problem”.

Are you kidding? My post - whatever it is - is guaranteed to be the most interesting thing on your stupid thread. Bitches will be talking about my post for years afterwards. I will be greeted on the streets of foreign cities by pretty girls speaking enthusiastic broken English: “Hey, you’re the guy that posted that comment on that Facebook thread that time!”

And I will pretend to be reluctant about admitted that yes, it was in fact, me, and I will do rails of coke off their tits on the roof of their 1970s-style apartment that night, after banging her and her even hotter cousin who, thankfully, doesn’t speak English at all because she has lots of stupid opinions about the Jewish “problem”.

Every time I go onto any of my Facebook games, it always shows me these photos. The top one is of my friend Andrea, and the bottom one is of my friend Aidan’s cousin looking at him on the television (for he is a minor television celebrity in Clonmel, my home town in Ireland, for having once been on Countdown). I don’t mind, apart from the slightly judgmental expression on Andrea’s face as she watches me collect my crops on Castleville, but I’d like to know more about the Facebook algorithm that shows me these particular photos (out of hundreds available) of these two particular people, and what it expects to achieve by it. I’m I stalking too much? Am I not stalking enough? What’s going on? Does anyone know?

Every time I go onto any of my Facebook games, it always shows me these photos. The top one is of my friend Andrea, and the bottom one is of my friend Aidan’s cousin looking at him on the television (for he is a minor television celebrity in Clonmel, my home town in Ireland, for having once been on Countdown).

I don’t mind, apart from the slightly judgmental expression on Andrea’s face as she watches me collect my crops on Castleville, but I’d like to know more about the Facebook algorithm that shows me these particular photos (out of hundreds available) of these two particular people, and what it expects to achieve by it.

I’m I stalking too much? Am I not stalking enough? What’s going on? Does anyone know?

Are you serious? LOOK AT HER! She’s perfect. She’s like a hipster’s wet dream. She’s one set of dreadlocks away from being a barista in an otherwise sleepy college town. She’s like a Suicide Girl, but minus the fame-whore desperation and manufactured corporate counter-culturalism. She’s like a fragile indie princess (not Zooey Deschanel) but with some actual character. I’ve already written two poems about her (the better of which is, if I’m being honest, a delightful confection entitled “I Will Make It So You Can’t Have Babies”). What have YOU done?

I bet she has some weird quirk that would be really fucking annoying in an ugly girl, but when she does it, nearby flowers open their blossoms. I bet she has some sort of photogenic behavioural disorder, and an intense liking for an 80s band no one else has heard of. She’s had bad experience with men, which combined with her abandonment issues and bisexuality seething just beneath the surface, means she finds it hard to trust anyone.

I will crack her like an egg and she will degrade and humiliate herself sexually with gratitude for the rest of her days.

I need to stop leaving comments on the photos of friends of friends at 3am. But my bona fides were challenged after I made the comment “Where do I get one of these?”