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After initially promising numbers, Google + has failed to live up to its own Facebook-killer hype. After I noticed a pattern and sent some emails, one of the head engineers of the research and development team spoke to solo1y.tumblr under the condition of anonymity.

“I think people would be surprised if they knew where most of the money was coming from,” claims the obviously Jewish 20-something. “I was surprised too. Our main investor was a company I’d never heard of before, and when I got a friend of mine at the IRS to backtrace it, it turned out that 51% of its shares were owned by a Mark Elliot Zuckerberg.”

Some argue the sole function of Google + was to take those away from Facebook those users who were constantly whining about privacy and security, and otherwise generally ruining it for everyone else, thus making the revenue stream more aerodynamic. There’s no doubt that given the recent IPO, the big winner in the entire Google + debacle is Mark Zuckerberg.

Conspiracy theories aside, the monumental fail of Google Plus has re-energised Facebook, which, as it did with myspace and many other social network sites, ripped everything useful from their interface and incorporated into Facebook, later forcing all users to adopt the changes, followed by a series of weak apologies from Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook launches its IPO in February, which is expected to raise at least ten billion dollars in cash (about ten times what the Google IPO raised) for Mr. Mark Zuckerberg.

Louisville, KY - In another Republican candidates presidential debate last night, some surprisingly frank responses have left the electorate wondering where to go from here. The drama began with an innocuous question about possible jail terms for doctors and women who arrange abortions if it was criminalised.  Mitt Romney haltingly indicated that a few months in prison for the doctors and prayers offered for the girl would be sufficient.

“With all due respect to my Minnesota brother,” interrupted Michele Bachmann, “I don’t think he understands how seriously America takes this issue. A girl who’s just had an abortion doesn’t care about prayers! She made her choice when she turned her back on Jesus, and she should face the same jail time as the doctor.”

“Jail time?” scoffed Texas Governor Rick Perry, “I’d kill them all. The doctors, the girls, the babies. Everyone.” When onlookers seemed aghast at the baby-killing suggestion, he remained steadfast. “Why is everyone always so eager to let the babies off? The innocent babies? They were involved in an abortion! How innocent can they be? If I’m elected president, my first act will be to sign into a law a provision to plug up the Baby Loophole. In Texas we’ve already installed a tiny electric chair in most state penitentiaries, and I’m pleased to say that over thirty babies have been successfully prosecuted of conspiracy to commit abortions, and have been executed according to state law.”

When it was mentioned that this could be seen as directly in opposition to his stated pro-life position, he answered, “Oh no, we wait for them to be born before prosecuting them, obviously.”

Cork, Ireland - In a week of shocking lack-of-rape news, prominent feminist activist Regina Funt has sensationally revealed that she was never raped, but invented an elaborate backstory so she would be taken seriously by feminist organisations. “I thought no one would talk to me unless I had been raped,” claimed Funt tearfully at the FA press conference last Thursday. After the announcement, the heads of two other major feminist organisations have admitted that they have never been raped, throwing the entire Irish women’s rights movement into turmoil.

In a brief press conference, the prime minister, Mr. Enda Kenny stated, “I hope we as a nation can come together and accept that women who haven’t been raped have as much to offer our society as those who have.” This was immediately dismissed variously as “typical sexist bullshit” and “mansplaining” by several of the organisations in question.

However, the lack of rape isn’t just a national issue; it affects people on a local level, even here in the quiet Irish city of Cork. A section of the inner city renowned for its high incidence of rape proved to be something of a disappointment for local girl Shauna Keating over the past month. “I’ve been walking alone in the dead of night through this area, sometimes three or four times,” she complains, “but no one’s interested.”

Shauna’s been battling with her weight problem since she was 13 years old, when a branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken opened not 500 yards from her home. “At first, I’d run to KFC every day for dinner, but over the course of the next three years, it became more of a lumbering, waddling motion,” moans Keating. “I was told that rape is more about power than sex, but it’s still not very good for my self-esteem. I know a girl from around the corner who was raped and she’s gorgeous. She has a baby now. She hates the baby because it’s a constant reminder, or whatever, but at least she has one!”

For other other news, click IN OTHER NEWS below.

Kampala, Uganda - In the wake of horrific actions taken by the Nsibambi government against homosexuals, the influential lobby group Liberty and Democracy Defense Union has taken the unusual step of supporting the dictator. “We have no right to interfere in how other countries choose to decide their fates,” said Dr. Upton Stucker, the spokesman for the LDDU.

Homosexuality is illegal in Uganda. The government and media regularly encourage violent actions against homosexuals, and gay rights activists have been killed. Although the UN Human Rights Commission regularly reports of ongoing human rights abuses, the LDDU claims that “the UN’s ethnocentrist, Westernised attempts to ‘white up’ Uganda are a shameful abomination”.

When Dr. Stucker was challenged that homosexuals and democratic activists were being slaughtered in Uganda, and even the most right-wing conservative politicians were expressing reservations about it, the LDDU spokesman would only respond: “Actually, it’s spokesperson.”

Cleveland, OH - In what was described as an “April Fool’s Day prank gone horribly wrong”, Jody Singleton, 22, has been sued under legislation which only recently came into effect. Republican lawmakers last January extended contract law in Ohio to cover any digital media where users make publicly-available statements on their legal status, which includes Facebook updates.

“My boyfriend became increasingly jealous with the many friendly messages left on my page by my male friends,” explains Jody. His solution: change her status to single and wait to see what happens. “That we did this on April 1st should have been a hint,” she claims.

Although Jody only has 150 friends on Facebook, over the course of the following two days, her status update received 560 ‘Likes’ and over 300 comments from well-wishers, most of which also insulted her current boyfriend. She also received over 40 private messages asking about her availability for dates, including two offers of marriage.

Jody is being sued by her ex-boyfriend, Derek Mickey, for emotional damages. “I never realised that I could do so much better than Derek,” says Jody, “but as soon as I saw the responses, I dumped him.” Two others who made marriage offers are suing for breach of contract.

Mickey’s case is regarded as trivial by analysts, but the breach of contract may be more troublesome for the attractive Ohio woman. “She did indicate that she was single,” says Barry Silvergold, a prominent Jewish lawyer, “and the two men have suffered considerable embarrassment as a result of this.” The case goes to trial on Monday.

Related: What Is This? and all editions of In Other News.

More of this sort of thing.

Los Angeles, CA - Nearly two hundred years after the nation had its first omelette, Americans remain deeply divided on how big of a problem yolkism is, a new survey finds. Sixty-nine percent of egg yolks said they consider yolkism a “major problem,” according to the findings of the University of Michigan study released last week. That compares with twenty-nine percent of whites.

Individual yolks were found to be the target of much discrimination even within their own communities, with social stratification according to the varying shades of yellow. “There are some parts of Los Angeles you just can’t wander around at night if you’re what they call a ‘lemoner’, a paler shade of yellow,” claims Robert Brickfast, the political science professor who was the survey’s lead investigator. Other terms of abuse yolks have reported include: ‘daffodil’; ‘Pikachu’; ‘buttercup’; and the particularly hurtful ‘Korma’.

That ‘polarization’ suggests that President Obama needs to do more to bridge that gap, said Brickfast. “This is another missed opportunity,” he said. “I’m a supporter of the president, but his unwillingness to lead when it comes to eggs has left a vacuum that has been filled by the right wing, in all the wrong ways.”

Appleton, WI - Teenage singing star Rebecca Black’s sudden rise to fame has been an inspiration to some - and a cause of concern for others. However, one Wisconsin man (who has asked to remain unidentified) has discovered that you can know too much about your favourite celebrities. “Normally, whenever I see one of these young female pop stars, it’s trousers-off time,” he candidly explains, “and I had conducted the one-man symphony over stills from Friday on at least two occasions.”

But then tragedy struck. When browsing some blogs for larger and more revealing photos, Jack Hoff learned that Rebecca Black was just 13 years old. “I didn’t know what to do,” he says. “I haven’t been able to bash the bishop at all since I heard the news.”

According to Prof. Paul T. Pudd of Wisconsin University’s Masturbation Unit, Hoff’s experience is by no means unique. “We’ve been seeing a spike in calls recently, mostly about the detrimental effect Rebecca Black’s tender years are having on masturbatory fantasies all around the country.” And there’s not much that anyone can do.

“Obviously, in an ideal world,” he laughs, “we would advise men everywhere to ask no questions about the young girl they’re using for the purposes of sexual release. As we don’t live in an ideal world, we’re just telling people to wait until she reaches the federal age of majority.”

Rebecca Black turns 18 on June 21, 2015.

Related: Last week’s In Other News, and why I’m doing this.

In one of my verbose LiveJournal posts, I explained that I had written some stories to go into an Irish version of The Onion. So if I think up any more, they’re going here.

Sendai, Japan - To the usual NGOs and governmental rescue agencies was added a welcome force for good this morning in the aftermath of the worst earthquake Japan has ever suffered. God (6,016), a familar face to Jews and Christians everywhere, was seen donning a reflective vest and helping move some of the rubble.

“Although the majority of our country is Shinto and Buddhist, and hence effectively atheist, we are glad to have such a powerful symbol working for our relief efforts,” said Japan’s Interior Minister, Nakatomi Plaza.

Others were not so impressed, however. “I don’t see why he should get any praise at all,” said atheist activist Lionel Hutchens, “when even the most ardent believer will reluctantly agree that this is precisely the sort of thing for which he is at least partially responsible. If I shoot someone in the head and then drive him to the hospital, I should still hope to get arrested!”

The deity himself has been taciturn about his role in rescue operations, refusing to answer any questions directly, leaving many confused as to his actual motives. The pope was unavailable for comment, but Vatican spokesman, Fr. Fritz Blanck, articulated the official church position: “Sometimes these things just sort of happen.”

Washington D.C. - In an unusual move, majority Republicans today managed to push through a bill that means the law of gravity will now be dealt with on a state-by-state basis. Americans pride themselves on having legal protections in place for the behaviour of matter, when most other countries don’t even bother acknowledging that it exists. However, a strong opposition movement to the federal regulations has been building, centred around traditional Southern States and Iowa.

“Apparently some of us are still engaging in civil war politics,” complains a Democratic representative who asked not to be named. “I don’t know if I want to live in an America where the law of gravity is different depending one which state you’re in.”

“I was elected to represent the interests of Tennessee,” says Dan Warlock, the Republican senator who is leading the loosely-arranged Apple Party movement, “and what people are telling me on the ground is that everything is far too heavy. I don’t see why we should be subject to the diktats of the Washington elites when we can fix this at almost no cost to the taxpayer, without any effect on the lighter Northern states.”

“We’ve already invested too much time and energy into the law of gravity as it stands,” explained White House spokesman, Ariel Cohen. “This is not the time to dismantle the whole thing just so we can reassemble it to the liking of Senator Warlock.”