March 2012
75 posts
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neonspandex asked: i'm sorry, but i thought you were a pretty cool guy. turns out that you're the type that generalizes entire groups (*stereotypical* lesbian i might grant you, but not all lesbians wear what you think they wear), and is also just mostly rude ("But don’t get all up in my business when I say you look like a lesbian." seriously? come on, man). i'll be unfollowing now so...
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You Dress Like a Lesbian
barryyouasshole:
apparently wearing plaid means you’re a lesbian?
thanks porn industry!
now i know how to spot ‘em!
I don’t know what porn movies you’re watching, but I’ve been lied to, in that all my porn lesbians are dressed like cheerleaders and nurses and schoolgirls and on one memorable occasion, (thanks Stoya!) airplane mechanics.
I keep getting in light-hearted...
February 2012
57 posts
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Things That Make Hugo "Hmmm"
Your editorial seems to renege on your long-term depiction of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez as a strongman. You state that he continues to get voted in by the Venezuelan people because of an inept opposition that has bickered and divided. You also say that the opposition failed because it did not “understand the plight of the poor.” You add that Chavez, on the other hand,...
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How desparate is Rick Santorum to win Michigan?
He’s asked Michigan “Reagan” Democrats to vote for him. And they’ll probably do it, too. Someone thoughtfully recorded the automatic call Democrats are getting from the Santorum campaign, which mentions the auto industry bail-out opposed by Romney (and also by Santorum).
Romney has a lot more to lose in Michigan than Santorum because it’s his home state. If Romney...
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“While Intel gets dozens of responses to its posts on Google+ Ms. Walter said the...”
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- from an autopsy on Google Plus in the Wall Street Journal
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Conversation on Santa Monica Beach at 5:44pm, 25th...
Me: What the shit is this balls? Why's everyone just standing here?
Adrienne: We're looking at the sunset.
Me: The what?
Christina: [pointing] Over there. The sunset.
Me: So fucking what? Jesus Christ this is some faggoty-ass bullshit.
Adrienne: It's pretty!
Me: Well pardon me if I don't get too excited over something that happens literally every fucking day.
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Some People With Two First Names
Confusing telephone directory compilers since 1940:
Erstwhile be-freckled female Lost lead, Evangeline Lilly
T-1000, Robert Patrick
Five-decade British hit machine, Cliff Richard
Celebrity diarist and unsuccessful Hitler-dodger, Anne Frank
Ignored Republican also-ran-to-be, Ron Paul
The fat guy from Seinfeld, Jason Alexander
Poor Punisher-portrayer, Thomas Jane
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What do you think of Kant's theories? How...
He was the first person to seriously tackle the academic problem of nailing together a code of moral behaviour without reference to a god, which means he pushed the entire species forward one notch along the ladder of awesome. And that is my favourite ladder. I also like his Categorical Imperative, which is a quick test to see if what you’re doing is a moral action: during a time of...
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Fake Astronaut Application →
You can be part of a 3-month study to investigate what sort of food should be included as part of a mission to Mars. They pay for your flight to Hawaii, and when you’re finished you get $5,000. If you’re not doing anything else with your time, and you have some sort of science qualification, and you don’t mind being locked in an enclosed space with other people, go do it!
The...
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Tachyon Particle Explained →
It was a fault in the measuring system. Most of you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but those who do will be breathing a huge sigh of relief.
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Newt of the World
So Newt Gingrich says Mitt Romney will “say anything” to get elected, implying a lack of sincerity or maybe even hypocrisy.
He might be right, but this is coming from a family values candidate who’s been married three times. It’s an easy joke to make, but it’s only funny because of the self-righteous damnation he heaps on anyone who dares ask him about it.
This is...
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Vote For Me!
Hi. I’m a rich white man who loves Jesus. I made my money by firing people. I’m trying to convince you that we should run this country like we run companies: for profit. I will reverse any attempts to help sick Americans who can’t afford their treatment.
As I have proposed more or less eliminating taxes, I logically must enact a hack and slash attitude to public spending, except...
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On Motivation II
solo1: Sometimes i find it hard to find any motivation for anything.
Andrea M: YES
solo1: Because everything is pointless and everyone is stupid.
Andrea M: exactly
solo1: Christina gets paralysing depression from those moments of lucidity. I just get comedy material.
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Shit Happens
The last time I tried this vegetarian thing, it tripped over a low wall made of tofu and despair. As they say, “the results were disappointing”, so I’m trying it again.
Two days in and I’m not craving meat, but my poop smells awful. I mean really bad. It smells worse than the little gifts my stupid dog leaves on the grass outside, and everyone downwind knows that he...
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A NATO Love Story
I met Juliet for the last time at the Zulu Hotel in India, which was famous for its golf course and the garish red uniforms of their polite, slightly embarrassed staff.
The first time we met, in Lima, I joked that I could be her Romeo, she was unamused. She was a dancer in Peru, and during long nights of whiskey at our tiny apartment in Quebec she told me stories of dancing the foxtrot and the...
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“… the Republicans are calling for lower tax rates to stir more jobs....”
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- Cameron Riopelle,Department of Sociology at the University of Illinois.
Again, low taxes do not stimulate employment, although you might see an artificial bump in the GDP. What creates jobs is a greater demand for domestic products and services.
Imagine the economy, as many have done...
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“As in many other of de Selby’s concepts, it is difficult to get to grips...”
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- Flann O’Brien, The Third Policeman
Flann O’Brien was an alcholic Irish writer who wrote some of the best comedy I have ever seen. I don’t know if you need to be Irish to fully appreciate him, but it’s concentrated distilled genius. It’s Jorge Luis Borges crossed...
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The Second Coming
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimm’d tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand; Surely the Second Coming is at...
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I didn't get where I am today by being "sexy"
agniology:
splendid-summer-morning replied to your post: I would destroy you. Oh no! I appear to have forgotten to “Ask anonymously”! THE SHAME!
like sex
what an awkwardly non-sexy pickup line
Believe it or not, some chicks are into the awkwardly non-sexy thing. I mean I don’t personally know any, but prime-time television assures me that this is the case.
The search continues.
If you...
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My First Joke in Chinese
Me: I'm going to say something. OK?
Chinese woman: Yes.
Me: Wo bo whey shua po tung wha!
Chinese Woman: Yes.
Me: You know what that means?
Chinese Woman: I don't speak Chinese.
Me: Yes, you do. You speak Chinese all the time.
Chinese Woman: No, what you say. It mean "I don't speak Chinese".
Me: I know. It's a joke. Right?
Chinese Woman: ...
Me: I made you say that you don't speak Chinese, and you're Chinese, you see? It's ironic. Do you have irony in China?
Chinese Woman: [with a slightly sinister edge, I thought] All the world - we have their iron.
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The Least Useful Phrase in Chinese
Wo whey shua po tung wha.
It means - I speak Chinese. Completely useless when it’s all you know. A far more useful phrase is - Wo bo whey shua po tung wha, which means - Me no can speak Chinese. To ask someone else if they speak Chinese you say - ni whey shua po tung wha ma? But why THE BALLS would you ever do that? You want to know if they speak the only real language in the world, the...
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On Correct Phrasing
Andrea M: I won't be DRESSING any differently
Andrea M: because I dress how I dress at all times
solo1: ?
Andrea M: like a boy
solo1: Jesus don't say that.
Andrea M: HA
solo1: Like a *lesbian*.
Andrea M: HAHAHAHA