December 2011
67 posts
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Jim Jeffries @ Anaheim
So, due to time jitters mentioned below, we arrived two hours early. No matter - plenty of time for sandwiches and ice cream across the road.
“Did you know Togo’s isn’t called that because they do sandwiches to go; it’s the name of the guy who started it. Michael Togo.”
“Really?”
“No. Not really.”
The Grove is a pleasantly small venue. The...
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Phantom Spider Attack (I blame Jim Jeffries)
I’m going to see Jim Jeffries in Anaheim tomorrow with a friend of mine called Jennifer, so now I’m nervous. Apart from the fact that it will probably be crowded and I don’t do well in crowds, I am supposed to meet her in a predetermined location (Corona) so we can take the one car and save on parking, which makes sense.
But the only way to get to Corona is by the I-15 or H-71,...
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I'm Bad With Women
Girl #5: Mia “What’s that short for?” “Nothing; just Mia.” “Well, what do your family call you?” “Mia.” “OK. But your friends probably have some sort of nickname for you, right?” “No. They all call me Mia.” “Well, Mia, I think you’ve successfully surrounded yourself with the least imaginative people in America.”
An extract from the latest depressing entry in my 50 Worst Dates blog.
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Flight Risk
Airports annoy me. Tiny amounts of authority going straight to the heads of the pigeons who wield those amounts annoy me. This is a bit from my longer, more boring post on LiveJournal:
Airports, especially in America, do their best to differentiate themselves in some way, or be unique in ways that takes away from the crushing, mind-grinding reality that your flight will not leave on time.
...
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North Korea Proves Capitalism is Great →
No, you’re reading that article correctly. Someone actually managed to trash the Occupy Wall Street protests with the political, social and economic abomination that is North Korea.
There seems to be a whole branch of journalism specifically to report to people who don’t pay attention to anything that goes on around them. I think we need a new word for this sort of thing;...
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I don't think that there is a show I like less...
notschrutefacts:
I don’t know what it is that throws me off. It might be the laugh track, but more than just the laugh track I think it is the fact that I hear the laugh track SO loudly because I am doing anything besides laughing.
It’s not the laugh track (although laugh tracks can kill a show, like it did with the last season of the IT Crowd), it’s the fact that it’s not...
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How many Christians does it take to change a light...
I don’t know, but they probably have an answer.
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On Passive-Aggressive Christmas Gifts
m: I got a pressie from the Baptist family of a bible. No joke.
solo1: Yeah. Well you know those things are hard to come by.
m: lmao
solo1: It is a great book, in fairness.
m: God seems to get confused a lot. From what I gather.
solo1: You should have been all WTF about the bible though.
m: My mother was not impressed.
solo1: "And this is a buy-bull, you say? And this is the book of Christian beliefs, is it?"
m: She wanted ot know why they were shoving their beliefs down my throat
solo1: It's what evangelicals do. It's what "evangelical" means.
m: I know. I expected something like this
s: "Thanks. We have this table at home that's a bit wobbly."
m: I wonder does part of them feel like an asshole.
solo1: No. They get extra Jesus points for atheists. I am not even kidding.
solo1: "Where's the bit where Jesus says he hates gays?"
m: She did say that to me one day
solo1: "What's the Hebrew for passive-aggressive?"
m: When she sees a gay man in the street she thinks he's going to Hell and it's her job to save him
solo1: Yes. The bible is full of little dumbass laws, but the one about gays is the one that seems to grab their most urgent attention.
solo1: They seem less motivated to tackle the menace of mixed fibres, for instance.
m: ha
m: I find the whole thing eerie, but a books a book
solo1: No, it's fine. It's Jewish mythology.
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On Hipsters and Existentialism
murphy: Authenticity strikes a chord with the existentialists because, for them, it is this very quality which provides some sense of meaning in what can essentially be deemed the meaninglessness and vacuous nature of existence.
solo1temp: You make them sounds like hipsters.
murphy: Do I? What does a hipster sound like?
solo1temp: Hipsters fetishise the authentic to such an extent that they hunt down old Polaroid cameras to take photos and vinyl records because they think they're "better". They even use web services like instagram to make their normal photos appear like they're crappy.
murphy: But all existentialists speak about the authenticity of the life indepedently lived. Maybe you don't like the word authentic but it's one they use.
solo1temp: I don't mind the word. I just hate hipsters.
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“Well done. You managed to drop two social classes in one afternoon.”
– Brian Purcell, my father, after I got my tattoo.
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Uses for German
1. Communicating with Germans.
2. Impressing sexually-submissive white girls.
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Vatican Declares Boy's Recovery A 'Miracle' →
“Of course, Jake did receive the best medical treatment from expert doctors.”
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Facebook Profile Pic Translator
(What photo looks like): what it means.
(Self-shot in mirror, looking at preview screen instead of lens): so insecure that she can’t take her eyes off the preview for a SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND! Do not add. (high-contrast): hiding something. Unless you know what that is, do not add. (holding a beer, other alcohol-related): drunkard. Do not add. (group shot): no individual identity, probably...
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On Writing Simply
murphy@gmail.com: So I feel what I'm writing is too simple.
solo1temp: Michel Foucault claimed that he made his writings deliberately more complicated so people would read them.
murphy@gmail.com: And maybe more importantly, with a sense of gravity.
solo1temp: Apparently his lectures were a different animal, the soul of simplicity. Well, maybe not the "soul".
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Anonymous asked: your blog has too much of you and not enough cool stuff
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Horrorspital
In 1994, Lars Von Trier wrote, produced and directed a show about a creepy hospital called Riget (Kingdom). It’s very low-budget, with intentionally crappy camerawork and a really weird orange filter over every scene. It’s about the most advanced hospital in Denmark, an experimental flagship of the Danish health care system, but supernatural madness is about to be unleashed.
By the...
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On Friendship...
pinkphilosopher:
Once upon a time, something incredibly traumatic occurred to me while on webcam with a friend of mine who shall remain nameless.
While my face registered an expression of grief, betrayal and shock, this friend proceeded to laugh their ass off at the entire situation. Continual laughter.
You’re never going to let that go, are you?
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On Chinese
Me to my Chinese landlady: There was a mouse last night, in the bathroom...
Chinese lady: ?
Me: A mouse. Shao shu?
Chinese lady: Ah, Shao shu. MOUSSSE.
Me: Sheh! Shao shu.
Passing flatmate: Jesus. You speak Chinese?
Me: Oh no, but I find if you just sound like you're speaking Chinese, they pick it up.
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On Cormac McCarthy
theditler: very quick,
solo1temp: ok
theditler: what do you think about cormac mccarthy?
solo1temp: I think his books are over-hyped gibberish.
theditler: that's what i noticed from people who enjoy literature
solo1temp: yeah
theditler: ok thanks
solo1temp: it's going to be hard to convert ANY of those people to anything written after 1960.
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WatchThis is what I was doing two nights ago. Special guest star: Sars Bar.
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YOU ASSHOLE I LOVE PEPSI HOW FUCKING DARE...
Very few of my posts, including all the ones that were the most heinous form of racism and sexism, have elicited such vile objections as the suggestion that Coke is superior to Pepsi. I wasn’t prepared for that sort of reaction. Now that I’ve had time to nail an answer together, you’re all still lunatics. Coke > Pepsi and if you disagree with my opinion you need to be put...
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Pepsi or Coke?
Coke. Obviously. What sort of degenerate fuck-up consciously chooses Pepsi? I think that would be a criterion of mental illness.
Any questions?
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YouTube Round-Up I
Here’s a man with a 30-second memory.
Here’s a man who can turn his head 180 degrees.
Here’s Bertrand Russell talking about religion.
Here’s fainting goats.
Here’s the original Black Betty.
Here’s a trailer for the non-existent sequel to E.T.
Here’s the theme tune from Sorry!, a British 1980s sitcom.
Here’s David Bowie crashing through a roof...
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[title deleted]
Me: My hair looked so long and horrible when I was younger. Ugh.
Solo1y: You know what else is long and horrible?
Me: The English Patient...
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