The big slide is probably the only thing I’m willing to try at one of these allegedly “fun” fairs. I don’t like those swingy-round tummy-drop things. Not for me.
I’m not a big fan of “fun” in general. I’ll just stay at home and read a book, thanks.

The big slide is probably the only thing I’m willing to try at one of these allegedly “fun” fairs. I don’t like those swingy-round tummy-drop things. Not for me.

I’m not a big fan of “fun” in general. I’ll just stay at home and read a book, thanks.

From My 2008 Diary

Wednesday 5th November

Election night chez moi. Chips, avocado dip, three two-litre bottles of Coke and the remote control. An act of savage and brutal self-control means that I don’t even turn on the television until 5 p.m., when the first results come rolling in. I am prepared for the long-haul, and to stay up all night if necessary. These notes were made live, and not in retrospect:

5:00 - I turn on msnbc to see that Pennsylvania has just been called for Obama. Although Pennsylvania always votes Democrat, the analysts regard this as significant, and the McCain campaign people seem disappointed. Still, everything’s going according to the plan. However, ominous silent footage of teams of lawyers examining ballots in Florida does not bode well. Is West Palm Beach the new Miami Dade? And what the hell is wrong with the people who design the ballots in Florida?

5:30 - Someone in a heavily-CGIed room informs us that of the white voters in North Carolina who said that race was a factor in their vote, 30% of voted for Obama. What the hell does that mean? That over a third of the white race-voters voted for Obama because he’s black? This election is already defying logic. The coverage hops to Grant Park in Chicago where thousands of people are streaming in to watch Obama win. There is a genuine sense here that the carnival of shit might actually be coming to an end.

6:00 - All the middle states are too close to call, as is Florida, where ballot problems continue. However, it’s looking like Obama might take Virginia and North Carolina, which would mean that the American Civil War is finally over.

6:20 - The first red state flipped to blue is Ohio. This was here all the drama happened in 2004, with dark mutterings about Karl Rove personally jamming a screwdriver into voting machines. Whatever. It’s done now. Aloha Ohio Obama. The addition of Ohio’s 20 electoral college votes (ECVs) means that he’s on a total of 195 compared to McCain’s 85, although this is before many traditional red states come in. However, we can reasonably assume that Obama is going to carry California, which has the highest number of ECVs at 55, which would give him 250 ECVs. He only needs 270 ECVs to win the election. This could be over the second Florida declares. They’re more or less 50/50 in Florida right now, but Miami Dade (ohnoes!) hasn’t come in yet, and that’s traditionally Democrat.

6:37 - Keith Olbermann is declaring Obama the winner even without Florida, on the basis of Washington + Oregon + California + Hawaii (one would hope) + his existing 200 ECVs = 273. While he’s saying this, New Mexico comes in for the Democrats. I’ve never seen blue so close to Texas before. Jesus Christ - Obama might actually be able to do this even without California…

7:00 - I can’t take any more of this. My nerves are frayed. I decide to watch The Daily Show’s one hour special to take my mind off the more serious aspects of the thing. However as this is a special live show, they keep giving state-by-state updates. Iowa comes in for the Democrats, representing another flip. Jon Stewart comments: “You’d think people enthralled by watching corn grow would vote for McCain.”

7:30 - Bradley Effect denied during exit polls.

8:00 - Back to msnbc. While I was in the bathroom, California, Oregon and Washington state came in for Obama, giving him a total of 284 ECVs and the presidency. Huge sighs of relief from objective news anchors. Rachel Maddow and Rep. John Lewis start crying. No one rushes to hug them.

8:15 - Fuck me. Colorado comes in for Obama.

8:18 - Florida comes in for Obama. This is starting to look like a landslide. It’s 333 ECVs to 146 at the moment.

8:25 - John McCain delivers his concession speech. His gracious and good-hearted speech is frequently interrupted by jeers from the crowd whenever he makes a positive comment about Obama or Biden. This is disappointing.

8:30 - Throng gathers outside White House. They are a noisy bunch of people. This is Washington D.C. The mood could turn ugly at any moment.

8:35 - Rep. John Lewis is still emotional. It’s a wonderful thing to see - he talks about his time as a child in Georgia, and seeing signs like “White People Only”, and when people like himself were regarded as second-class citizens. And now one of them’s running the joint.

8:40 - Nevada comes in for Obama.

9:00 - I go to sleep.

So yeah. I was writing, and I realised I had accidentally been typing in the second person instead of the third person for most of a paragraph. I changed the ones I could find, but I’m pretty sure I referred to someone’s dignity at some point.
Apparently not.
Then I capped and submitted to Screenshots Of Despair, which you should follow immediately for some timely reflections on modern culture.

So yeah. I was writing, and I realised I had accidentally been typing in the second person instead of the third person for most of a paragraph. I changed the ones I could find, but I’m pretty sure I referred to someone’s dignity at some point.

Apparently not.

Then I capped and submitted to Screenshots Of Despair, which you should follow immediately for some timely reflections on modern culture.

(Reblogged from screenshotsofdespair)

On Biblical Exegesis

  • solo1: The whole thing is kind of hilarious.
  • solo1: At the end of Genesis, Joseph is kind of in charge of Egypt and everyone's great. At the start of the next book, Exodus, the Jews are slaves in Egypt.
  • solo1: They never tell you how they got from A to B on that. They never even tell you the name of the Pharaoh. They reckon it was Ramses II, but no one's completely sure.
  • m: Or even in the New Testament, when Jesus was growing up. Nothing.
  • solo1: All of these things would be very easy to explain in a line or two.
  • m: I always found that suspicious. I think I asked my teacher that in primary school.
  • solo1: They intentionally decided not to, which strongly implies that not only is the book obviously *not* a historically accurate document, but it's not even *meant* to be historically accurate.
  • m: Yeah
You’ve got to be kidding.
(That trailer is awesome, though.)

You’ve got to be kidding.

(That trailer is awesome, though.)

I’m starting to think that there might be some potential on Instagram for sequential art story-telling. Like comics, but with photographs. No one’s done that before, right?

Except for maybe those obviously-scripted posed photosets they have in tabloid newspapers pretending to be solving the grubby personal problems of lower-income sports fans.

Special guest stars Andrea and Denise.

On Social Anxiety

  • Nollaig: College Part 2: Return To College will be an experience. I am appropriately terrified
  • Barry: It might be fun!
  • Nollaig: Not fun. People. Around 40 of them.
  • Barry: All at the same time?
  • Nollaig: Yes. It's called a class. I have to sit among them and interact.
  • Barry: I rememeber being in a class with like 200 people. That was just all wrong. But everyone left me alone, so it wasn't so bad.
  • Nollaig: Yeah when it's 200 it's okay they take no notice of you but 40 is small enough to know names
  • Barry: Except somewhere along the line the professor got to know me, so he was all HEY BARRY at the start of every class and everyone turned to me as if I could help explain their lives.
  • Nollaig: HAHAAHA
  • Barry: 40 is enough to terrify with an adopted persona.
  • Nollaig: oh god like what
  • Barry: You're Sally Scrimshaw, a Yorkshire lass from farming stock, but with a dark secret.
  • Nollaig: I don't think I can do a Yorkshire accent
  • Barry: You were so terrified by what you saw it scared the accent out of you and now you talk with a Jamaican accent instead.
  • Nollaig: i don't think that persona would last long
  • Barry: Well just be mean then. Growl at people.
  • Nollaig: i think people kinda think I'm mean anyway I suffer from resting bitch face
  • Barry: Or get a tshirt with "I'd rather eat a bullet than have anything to do with any of you"
  • Nollaig: wear it on my first day
  • Barry: YEAH Now you're thinking clearly.
  • Nollaig: oh god that would be so fucking funny
  • Barry: And helpful.
  • Nollaig: you could just see people start to read it with half a smile on their faces waiting for the punchline
  • Barry: There is no punchline. Unless you're punching an actual line. Where a line is someone's face.

Pictures from Buzzfeed’s Malcolm Tucker quotes as motivational posters.

If you don’t know about Malcolm Tucker, then you must find out. He’s a fictional character developed by Armando Iannucci for his show The Thick Of It, about a relatively insignificant English government department run by relatively insignificant English people. They frequently mess things up, and when things go wrong, Malcolm is summoned like the ghost of Christmas cunt, whirling around from moron to moron, sprinkling magical fuck dust on anyone within his field of vision.

His prodigious and creative swearing is rooted in the immense frustration being the only competent person a room full of fuckwits who are so incompetent that they don’t even have the minimum level of competence required to recognise how incompetent they are.

Add that to some very tight deadlines and the implied fact that he’s effectively running the entire country, and everything snaps into focus like a battered wife who’s just found a hammer.

Start here. You’ll never swear the same way again.

Yes, he is played by Peter Capaldi, currently playing the new Doctor Who, but that is literally the least interesting thing about Malcolm Tucker, so get over it.