Crash Victims Arranged In Order of Involvement With AIDS
"I can’t get any information on my mother," says Michael Creedon, 23, explaining about his troubles dealing with pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine, where Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17, carrying his mother and a hundred AIDS researchers, was shot down. "We were told that the bodies of the AIDS researchers were safely and sensitively removed to a secure location, whereas everyone else was thrown into the back of a van."
"In these situations, a system operates to prioritise the treatment of the wounded," according to Street Major Zokolov, apparently the only person in the history of any army anywhere to hold that rank, and the only person interested in dealing with our questions. "Of course," he continued, "everyone was dead when we got there, so we had to use different criteria for the triage system we had set up."
Accordingly, the bodies were laid out in order of “Most Involved with AIDS” to “No Known Link With AIDS”, with those at the top of the list getting the most, for want of a better word, attention.
"My mother had literally nothing to do with AIDS," says Creedon, who is becoming increasingly desperate. "I’ve been told I might have to go to a pile of charred remains and pick her out of the mass of fused flesh. Meanwhile my brother is asking around the family to see if maybe she knows someone with AIDS or ever did a 5K or something, so we can get her home as soon as possible."
An official statement from Putin cryptically states that it was “God’s will that these people be stonewalled in their attempts to stop the righteous plague.” Mr. Putin used a Russian grammatical form which indicates that, in this scenario, he is God.